I am married to a czech( I am not czech nor white), who recently had an affair with a czech woman. As result of this affiar the czech womans husband found out and divorced her. My husband however, continued his relationship with this woman, insisting that it is now purely platonic. (of course I don't believe it) and Have made demands both to him and her that the relationship sexual or not cease. My husband told me that this was typical for czech people, to have lovers on the side, and that I am better off becuase I am married to him. The woman insists that I am becoming over obsessed with the whole thing, and that given time, the idea will wear thin. Is this typical in cz culture? do cz women have any pride or values when it comes to this. same question for CZ men? I had the opportunity to discuss this with several of our mutual CZ firends, female and male. They each thought I was making to big a deal of it. Others felt that I myself should get a lover, to balance the equation. and that given time, evrything will return to normal. I am at a crossroad, My british/jamaican pride says don't let this woman and man dragged you down to their level. on the other hand, how much more of disrespect am I to take. How do Czech view respect, and what do they consider disrespectful in friendship and marriage? :?
northunder, sounds like he's trying to find an excuse for his actions, using ''czech custom'' as an escape goat. RESPECT you British/Jamaican pride, that's what I say... take care martin
DO NOT LET HIM MAKE EXCUSES FOR THIS! he will try to tell you all kinds of things until he finds one that you will believe! Word of advice: whatever his least favorite meal is....make it for a week straight! Good luck, Amy
Hmm... How about let him make his own meals?!! northunder, I'm Czech and I would certainly not let my husband or anyone else get away with disrespecting me like this. If it feels wrong to you, then it is wrong! Don't listen to his 'it's the Czech way' excuses. Czechs get divorced over infidelity.
It`s better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end. Blimey, I don`t want to be the judge, but for the sake of your children I`d try to patch it up and forget the whole thing, if none are involved, I should bid him farewell. All the best Karel
This issue isn't about cultural customs, it is about respect and trust. Your husband broke that when he had a relationship with this woman. It doesn't matter how the Czech culture views marriage, it only matters how you view and value it. If you feel your husband has violated your trust and continues to do so, then you need to consider getting out of the situation. Having an affair to "get even" or "balance the equation" will only make you feel worse because you would have lowered your standards. Ultimately, it comes down to one simple thing - how do you view marriage? I have recently experienced a very similar situation. I love him to this day, but he betrayed my trust. I had to make the very same decision you are faced with. I love him, but I do not respect or trust him. To me, marriage is between the husband and wife only. The heart was hurting, but the values said it was not acceptable. We parted ways. I know you are angry and hurt but you must not allow those feelings to come into play when making this decision. I know you are also torn because you love your husband. Keep a clear head and make your decision based on your values. As much as you want someone else to make this decision for you, ultimately you are the only one who can decide what you will or will not accept. My heart goes out to you as you struggle with your decision. Terri.
Of course extramerital affair is not a "custom" of any countries, but I really wonder how the society of Czech looks at this issue. So far, according to what I know from this forum, having affair sounds like one of the ordinary stages (or routines???) in marriage to Czechs, especially males. The impression I have for this is like, a married man having affair is not a bigger deal than "my kid fought with his classmates in school. It's not good but it always happens in school and we shouldn't blame him too seriously for this." I hope you can get my ideas in this rough comparison. I don't mean anything offensive and would not judge anything to be right or wrong. However, this information will be offering me remarkable reference when I am having or going to have a relationship with Czech girls. For the issues about relationships, love affairs, sexsul life and so on, there're quite many major culture differences between the East and West. To Westerners, Easterners are too shy and conservative; contrary, Westerners have much looser or less rules in this aspect. I don't have so many typical or traditional Chinese bounderies with me so that I understand and even adopt some west ideas in my life. However, recently I am really uncertain and confused when my brain deals with this concept of relationship. I absolutely couldn't give any judgement on this but my feelings don't really go well with the idea. I mean, casual sex and date, short term affairs, independent and tough personality (compared to eastern females); these are not problems for me to get alone with a western female though, it's totally something different when I'm in love with a girl and I can't trust her. That would be extremely aweful!! I don't think the reason makes me hold the attitude toward this is due to being a Chinese. My concern is, does it sound stupid or too idealist when someday I am in Czech and telling the locals I find my fantastic Czech girl and feeling like to spend the rest of my life with her??? Is this only a FAIRY TALE in Czech minds? I don't have any friends here from whom I am able to get any information about Czech, or with whom I can talk about my ideas with Czech. I still remember when I bought the book for learning Czech, the way that the bookstore clerk looked at me filled with surprise and criousity; as if I was an alien something. I was lucky to find this excellent website ~ the bacon whose lights lead me in the vast ocean at night while sailing by myself. I like Czech Republic, yet I don't want to have too much fancy before I visit the country, then having delussion. I do believe there's no exact fomula, model or pattern to deal with these culture differences. I like the words from Eva: Czech girls (or any other peoples around the world) are not made with a cookie-cutter. In addition, something you are facing to is not about his or her culture background but individual temperament. But sometimes it's hard to tell from when you don't have many clues!! I'd like to know more about any comments, opinions or suggestions in this issue. That's will be very helpful to complete the jiggle-puzzle in my mind. Na zdravi, Sam
Sam- I have the same concerns as you do about the loose Czech interpretation of faithfulness and marriage. I have been living with a Czech man for a month, and the topic just recently came up in a surprising manner to me. Things are good with us, and we have been dating for about 6 months. It is ironic to me that he made such a fuss in the beginning about making me affirm that I wasn't dating any other men besides him. At the time, I thought this was adorable- and interpreted WRONG that this attitude meant that it was a two way street. Don't get me wrong, to my knowledge he has been faithful to me (thus far) and a good, responsible partner. He doesn't drink smoke or go to bars. But I was shocked in recent passing conversation when we were discussing a married friend of mine who was having an affair. She and her husband had been over for dinner one evening, and after they left I told my fiance that the cheating made me very uncomfortable and I thought it was unfair of her to run around- that she could bring disease home as well. My fiance said "Well sometimes feelings change and that happens." Like it was no big deal. I reiterated that I did not approve/condone that behavior. He questioned me "I think that no matter what when you have children you should stay together. Even if you fall in love with someone else." Basically he was saying it was ok and normal to develop feelings for someone else, (and carry on an affair) but if you had kids you should stay together anyway. I told him I did not agree, and that it was not okay to be married and sleep with another person- and that I had no problems with divorce if there was abuse going on in the relationship- physical OR emotional. (I consider cheating emotional abuse.) He has also commented that at his 10 year reunion- most of his classmates were divorced. (He's 32.) Sam- this is a good man, but I don't know if I can tolerate this kind of attitude. This is COMMON in this culture. I don't think the women like it, but I guess this lazy attitude of "feelings change" but I think the women take lovers too. One other thing I've noticed here in America, is that the women he knows (from CR) DO NOT date or show interest in Czech men. I wish these women there would stand up more for theirselves! I'm not so sure I can continue this relationship with him simply because of these attitudes. Call me conservative, but I can't wrap my mind around that one...
Hi, Infidelity is wrong in my oppinion your husband should be ashamed. Some people are just like that its their nature. Regards, SR
Taking a lover is not a cultural thing. Its a selfish choice. We are all responsible for our own actions and just to say that all CZ men do it doesnt mean they really do (but it makes him feel better). Iluvuma1....I've followed your relationship through here....wow. How can you say you think CZ women take lovers??? What evidence do you have? This issue is no different for any person. Its a choice. Not an obligation.
Hi, Yea iluvuma1 its a bit of generalization you are making about Czech people. I have experienced Czech culture,sure some people are like this taking lovers I have seen it with my own eyes. Not all people are like that. I'm sure the same things happen everywhere including the western world US and so on. Divorce rates have increased through the years I'm sure it's high in the US. People who cheat are just selfish in thoughts and you are right it brings all sorts of problems if your czech boyfriend were cheating on you with another girl , both emotional and physical. Maybe your bf is'nt interested in you by saying this to you directly. SR
Sorry about your distressing situation Northunder. I may have some insights to offer. First, you may want ask yourself this question, am I better off with him or without him? Don't know if you have kids as that changes all. But if you decide to stay for now, I would examine it closely to see if you are willing to stay with a man who does not share your values about fidelity and marriage. You cannot change another person. In my limited experience with Czech men I do have the idea that it's not that big a deal to them to cheat. Don't know why they feel they have the upper hand on this. They seem to think that their wives are fortunate to be married and so will endure. Is there an imbalance in the ratio of females to males in the CR? Also, I read on MSN web about a European study showing that for 39% of Americans, religious beliefs factor into their sexual behavior. For Europeans the numbers drop dramatically to 3% for the French and 6% for Germans, (Cz not in the study). Now, with CR's reputation as one of the least religious societies, I think that it's safe to assume that most Czech's do not have the same religious driven inhibitions against infidelity that some other more god-fearing countries may have. Anyhow, that's just my theory. One final word, trust your gut instinct and do not make decisions based on what is normal or acceptable for others.
In any relationship there should be a strong foundation of respect, trust and love. If a partner has an affair with someone else then that trust is shattered like a dropped glass tumbler. Can you pick up all the pieces of that shattered glass, glue it together, and make it look as good as new? Also he is not showing respect and love for you when he has an affair with someone else. Who is he thinking of? Only himself, and his selfish pleasures. If he has done this so easily once, there is also a strong possibility that he could do it again, and again, so you would always have that uncertainty of not knowing because the trust in your relationship has been broken. There are many women, both in past history and present, who know that their partners have affairs, and who choose to turn a blind eye to it, providing that they do not know anything about those same affairs. In otherwords they know that their partners cannot stay faithful to one person, and have accepted that fact. This, however, does not mean that they necessarily have affairs themselves to compensate for their partners unfaithfulness, which in itself could lead down a dangerous road, and where you could also loose all feelings of self worth. You could be even more lost and emotionally confused than you are feeling at this present moment in time; there would be no words to describe it. If your friends are saying that this is no big deal, then may be it is time to find other new friends, who have the same values in life as yourself. So do you turn a "blind eye" and continue to live with your partner, or do you start a new life on your own? If you decide to leave him then start to make great plans for your future, and try to concentrate on those plans rather than looking back and/or clinging to the past, what was, and what could have been. It will be far from easy, but it is true what they say, that time is a great healer.
I apologize if my post seemed to make generalizations. I know not every individual is the same. This is a cultural forum that discusses differences, and there are definitely differences I have noticed between Czech and American moral culture. This is not to say everyone in CR has affairs. (Men or women.) America is on a more conservative crusade in recent years. Some theorize that its because of the terrorism from 2001 that started a moral crusade. I am not a bible beater by any sorts- I just don't want to be in a relationship if there is an underlying acceptence of infidelity involved, thats all. Its a trust thing. I will still say that in listening to my fiance's Czech friends, I stand by my opinion that men are more accepting of infidelity. For instance, a couple weeks ago we had a dinner party, and a comment was made that prostitutes should be legal, because they save marriages. Now, this is obviously coming from a male perspective. The one thing I can say- is that men here in America could very well believe the same thing- but would NEVER announce it. I have to say, because of this- I think it is more widely acccepted. Just an opinion.
Northunder, First of all, I'm a man in my mid thirties and I have been married, now divorced. Guess what, some men cheat and so do some women. It has absolutely nothing to do with a particular country or culture. Sure, some may cheat more then others and some my not cheat at all. Keep in mind that we are really nothing more then animals and that the drive for sex is very strong in us all. Some animals mate for life naturally, but I'm not sure that the Human animal was programmed that way. Through our religions and cultures we established this vow to remain faithful to one partner. I don't believe that it is ingrained into our brain to remain faithful to one individual for life. However, many of us choice to do that and that's why were having this discussion now. If you don’t/can’t trust him now and want a monogamous relationship, go ahead and end it with him and look for what you really want. Don’t settle for less, you wont be happy long term. If you have doubts, and it doesn’t feel right, it’s not and you’re just trying to make a bad relationship work. Trying to change him (or anyone) is a big waste of time. Julia, For the record, I don’t have a problem with prostitution. I do believe that it is a service that some men find a need for. If the prostitute is doing that kind of work because they want to, it’s their body they are taking chances with. However, it doesn’t save marriages!!! If a married man has to go to a prostitute to find excitement or release, he is not completely happy with his wife. Men, I believe are more accepting of infidelity as you stated. To many men, sex isn’t necessarily all about the loving relationship and emotional bond that many women expect it to be. From my experiences, women are much more emotionally attached to the sexual act. Paul
"Women are more emotionaly attached to the sexual act - looking on it as an emotional bond, whereas to most men sex is just sex etc..." (Or lust versus love.) Another factor to consider is that when a man has an affair with another woman, that woman will become emotionally attached to that man, even if she does not admit it. Therefore, the longer the affair the stronger that emotional attachment, where the man involved will then find himself then torn between two women, whether he likes it or not. He will then have to try to defend himself where both women are concerned and/or try to keep both women happy. He most certainly could not go back to just having a platonic relationship with the woman that he has just had an affair with when she is so emotionally attached to him. If it was just casual sex, then why is she still on the scene? Why is she still in his life now? Answer:- because she is emotionally attached to him, and probably will do and say anything to try to keep him in her life. This is just another factor that could be a strong possibility in your case, where it would be nice if I was wrong in this instance.
I cannot believe all of the generalizations I am hearing. Maybe I am the oddball, but not all women are so emotional and I have known plenty of men that are.
Regarding generalizations; in this instance women being "so emotional". Every individual case is different and one can only go by the facts that are given appertaining to any one case. "So emotional" - there are different degrees/or states of being emotional, therefore, not all women will fall under the category of being "so emotional". It is also true that men can also get into various degrees of emotional states too, again depending on the man in question and the problem facing him.
Shock horror!!! Men? Emotional?? Get outta here....Babicka what are you trying to suggest......... :wink: Mal
