When in Rome... By Darren Baker

česky

Where I grew up, people didn't take their shoes off in the house. Don't ask me why, that's just the way it was done. So when I came to the Czech Republic the first time, to the city of Frýdek-Místek, and I was asked to remove my shoes, I balked. I knew as well as anyone that, when in Rome, do as the Romans do, but as far as I could see, Frýdek-Místek wasn't Rome.

I eventually came around because, if my neighborhood is any kind of indication, the custom of taking your shoes off in the house exists here because it has to. A walk in the nearby park may look safe enough in summer, but with snow on the ground in winter, they might as well rename the place Dogshit Reserve.

I heard it never used to be like that. This particular park was once a cemetery, and one can imagine the squawk that would occur over a dog relieving himself on Grandpa. Nowadays Grandpa is gone - moved to another cemetery, we hope - and the law is supposed to guarantee that the ground remains sacred as far as animals are concerned. Problem is, one can't expect the dog to show any respect for the law if its owner doesn't.

A case in point occurred in front of a grocery store, where two dogs were howling, snarling, carrying on like the animals they were. One of the owners came outside, untied his dog, and allowed it to roam on its own. In no time it began barking ferociously at anyone who crossed its path, including two policemen on the beat. The cops tried to stop the owner, but he simply ignored them and continued on his way. The dog, however, stopped. Long enough to cock his leg up and piss on a lamppost. The dog - this goddamn dog! - was almost certainly trying to tell the cops, "Go ahead, guys. Make my day." The cops decided to turn and leave while their shoes were still dry.

It was a far cry from the time in the States when my dog jumped the fence and was caught by the local animal control patrol. I got the dog back with a $40 fine to pay, but due to one screwup or another, the fine didn't make it to the courthouse on time. I found that out when the sheriff called one morning warning me to pay the fine within a week, else he would send a deputy over to my home to arrest me. And I could be damn sure he wasn't going to take his shoes off first, either.