Hello- I was wondering if anyone has some insight on a curious trait I've discovered with my new live-in Czech fiance. We have moved into a new apartment, and with my American upbringing- my mother did the decorating. He insists on shopping with me for everything and has an opinion on everything. He's extremely picky- and says that American decor is of poorer quality than Czech goods. (Kind of rude to me,but I ignore it.) I want to know- are Czech men more involved in this kind of thing? (domestic affairs) In a way its nice he cares so much about our home- but also very annoying because he nit picks and criticizes so much. Also, we both work, but I work days and he works evenings... During the week we spend very little time together due to our hectic schedules. He made a comment about how I didn't cook much- and when we had a family it was important that the children had food to eat. (Talk about laying on the guilt and making me feel shameful for not feeding the kids I don't have-wink!) I'm also assuming that it is NOT normal for a Czech man to split up the cooking. I've read how Czech men have utopian standards for their wives, and I'm a little freaked out about this... To be honest, I've seen kind of a bossy and critical (and not very complimentary side) to him that makes me think Czech men want to have a say in everything. I'm used to being very independent- and I was wondering if anyone has insight on how to deal with these cultural differences. He's definitely got his pluses, but is there a good way to lay down the law here? I know now what the "adjustment phase" of living together is about, now... I was hoping to get some insight/advice from foreign women (or anyone) that has an opinion on this.
Dear Iluvuma: You are marrying a control freak and I urge you to examine the matter before you commit. So much involvement in domestic matters is atypical for men, Czech men included. He will probably want control other aspects of your life and you risk to experience clashes over cooking, child upbringing, vacations etc. In general, Czech men expect women to cook and keep house but the wives make most decisions concerning shopping and family life. You need to have a long, sincere talk with your fiancée.
I just don't know... He's good at heart, but this control stuff is already stifling me and its only been three weeks. I feel like I have to battle for smallest little things. I was hoping someone would tell me this is a Czech male trait- but maybe this is just a individual character flaw. I read an article about foreign women who marry Czech men and so much of it said that Czech men expect the woman to do everything, and still look like the little mermaid! I don't know if its a cultural trait- this chauvenism, but I have no idea how to bring it to his attention. Also, it concerns me that I've heard that having a mistress is normal in the Czech Republic- and women are expected to stay with thier husbands if they have children even if he has a mistress or two... One woman in this article commented that even the Czech President Klaus has been photographed and published in public with his mistress.... Is this true??? Do people go into marriages on a more cynical basis- assuming that eventually someone (not necessarily the man) will cheat? Are divorces and extramarital affairs more commonplace in CR? We were out with his friends (Czech people) over the weekend, and I brought up the fact I think that in Czech Republic, women are expected to do more work around the house and to not necessarily concentrate on their careers as much as we do here. (and to be less independant.) His best friend joked saying "Don't you know Jarda was a champion of women's rights at home, carrying banners and marching, too?..." My fiance just kept a blank expression.... I had to laugh at the joke, as that is the LAST thing I think he would ever do. Its so hard to tackle someone who thinks they are right all the time.... Of course he will find a way to explain that I am wrong. I just fear that if I continue to let him boss me and try to control everything at home, I will be starting a bad precedent. But I do want to make some allowances for our differences, and I realize I cannot change him- he must change himself!
Culture issues aside, the greatest mistake women do is to hope they will change their man. Moreover, small irritations before marriage will turn into big issues once you are married. Perhaps you should find a more suitable partner?
I am really curious if this is true or not. I've heard from my Czech friend that her brother is married but once a while he sleeps with other women. And his idea in this action is that he wants to have some "freshment" while be in marriage, and he thinks this helps to maintain the long term relationship. And, how about Czech females' opinions on this? It would be great to know more about this from anyone here, especially Czech girls. Sometimes I am really unsure of my Czech girlfriend's attitude towards this. I'd like to know more information.
Yes. That is true. Some people are even of the opinion that the former president Havel had an affair with his new wife, while the old one was still alive. The reason why most Czechs do not care about it is because politicians are not supposed to set moral standards. Their job is to run the country; their private life is not a part of their job. Generally, cheating is considered immoral, as parts of judeo-christian culture are still present in the Czech culture. On the other hand, the saying "opportunity makes the thief", which is rather popular in the Czech Republic, applies in this case too. Having an attractive girlfriend or wife presents a certain risk.
Heck, my czech wife won't stand for or accept any form of cheating in the relationship. She's also a christian though and that has a lot to do with what morals are in a relationship. As for a czech man doing womanly chores in the house it's not odd to me. My father in law enjoys cooking and such in his household. From what my wife tells me it's always been that way with him and her mom doesn't have any disagreement with it. I think it depends more on the individual and not so much the culture.
iluvuma, it's nothing to do with me but I think you're crazy to be thinking of marrying this guy. You are making excuses for his bad behaviour on the grounds of cultural differences while the reality is that there are basic traits in human nature which transcend cultural barriers and a control freak is a control freak be he Czech, American, English, or even Inuit or Aborigine. Only marry this guy if you can accept what he is because he will not change. As I say, it's really none of my business but I wanted to ttell you what I think. Hope you don't mind.
It is said that love is like looking through rose coloured glasses, but then the rose petals start to fall away and we see that person for who they truely are....warts and all!! I totally agree with previous replies to you on this subject; he is showing very strong tendencies in power and control over you. He is undermining your confidence and self worth, making you unnecessarily justify your actions that have given cause to his very selfish critiicism Ask yourself do you really love him, or are you in love with what you would like him to be? Many people confuse attachment for love, and because they feel attached to a person they are frightened to let go, and start a new life on their own. So don't confuse attachment for love. You are clearly a caring person and you deserve to wait until an equally caring man comes along., instead of settling for second best - you are worth more than that!! Finally, the way he is acting has nothing to do with the fact that he is Czech, as power and control by a person can be found in any culture, not just the Czech culture. Women's Aid who help physically and mentally abused women often talk about power and control. They also say that mental abuse is far worse than physical abuse. In mental abuse the man tries to belittle his partner, gradually taking away her feeling of self worth, so that she feels useless and worthless to the extent that she wrongly feels grateful to her abusive partner, thinking that no one else will put up with her.
Wow! The response I got from this is amazing. I'm happy to report that my Czech fiance and I are doing much better now. We had just started living together at this original post, and it took a couple months to smooth out the rough edges. He has never lived with a woman before (he's 32) and being set in his ways, it took adjustment on BOTH our parts. Living with someone new is hard enough, but when you throw in the cultural differences- its a challenge. But really, he's just in a strange place away from his family (which he misses terribly) so creating a home that is comfortable and familiar, not to mention nurturing is important to me. We had some issues about even the Christmas tree decorations. I guess in CR the trees are simpler, with apples, candles, and not so much decoration as an American tree. When I got home he had one strand of lights on the tree, and that was it. He didn't like big ornaments for the tree, either and said American trees look junky to him. At first, I was a little irked about him taking over the tree decor, but then I thought about it a little bit. He is in another country, and if this makes him feel closer to home, I'm going to give him some slack. His fussiness is just his personality. In some ways its endearing, as he is always looking out for whats best for us. He notices the things that I miss. He is shopping for a new car for me, and I am certain we'll get a good deal as he's quite the bargainer.
I am glad to hear that things are improving between you both. In are relationship it should be equal give and take; especially when it comes to showing care and consideration for one another, where each makes the other happy and where there is unconditional love. Unconditional love, which means freely sharing, giving, caring and loving without any conditions being set out. Regarding the christmas tree issue, whilst I can fully understand your feedback on that subject. Just for a moment, however, forget that he is Czech and forget that you are American. A christmas tree is bought and he wants to surprise you and make you happy, so he decides to fully decorate the tree; even though he thinks such christmas decorations are ridiculous. His happiness is seeing the smile on your face when you see the fully decorated tree. Have a great christmas and wonderful new year!!
HI, i hope your relationship is getting better. I am czech and live with my boyfreind in England. So i understnad how your boyfriend has to feel. faraway from his family. But he is with you, thats the main think. But i have to write you what i think about czech men. I have been asked many times, what are the differences between czech and english men. I think every man is different, it doesnt matter where was he born. But have to say, that czech men want from a wife to cook, look after children, look after the household and have a full-time job. But again it depands on each men. I have a bad experiance with a controll freak. After work I had to rush home, prepare dinner, tidy the house and then i could do the rest. The man, came from work, had dinner and lied in front of the TV. Not really good for relationship. We have been together 5 years and nearly got married. But i asked me a one important question: Can you imageine the rest of your life with this man? And i answered no. I loved him, but i knew he want change himself. Yo know what i reccomend you, dont let him think they you will always do how he wants. But you have to do it from the begging. Cooking - you can do it together, cleaning - the same. In my new relation it is like this and we are happy. Even if there are the cultural differencies. We do everything to help the otherone. Wish you Merry Christmas and lots of love in the New Year. :lol: :lol:
So it seems he has manged to knock some of those independance ideas you had out of you. Hes shopping for a new car for you. He is always looking out for whats best for us. He had one strand of lights on the tree. He didn't like big ornaments for the tree, either and said American trees look junky to him (My CZ family must be half american then, lots on theirs) He has never lived with a woman before He's just in a strange place away from his family His fussiness is just his personality I am sure He is a nice guy inside that controling domineering self pitying body of his. Sorry but this is a classic case of finding the right things to do and say to make you feel bad about the things you expect that you have done for years. Its control. But all is not lost. Use your beguiling ways to wrest some control back again. If you give away too much now you will never get it back and whilst you say its a compromise....there are lots of HE in your post not much SHE. If this sounds nasty...its not meant to. Your pal Mal.
