To the citizens of the USA

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by wissy, Oct 9, 2008.

  1. wissy

    wissy Well-Known Member

    I hope our American friends can take the joke and that our Czech friends can understand the joke. :wink:

    To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

    In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
    (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
    Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
    To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
    2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination o f '-ize.'
    3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
    4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
    5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
    6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
    7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
    8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
    9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
    10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
    11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
    12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
    13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
    14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
    15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

    God Save the Queen!

    PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
  2. Petronela

    Petronela Well-Known Member

    Way too funny, had me spitting my coffee all over the bloody monitor. :twisted: :lol:

    Very sorry Your Majesty, my coffee was in the mug :oops:
  3. GlennInFlorida

    GlennInFlorida Well-Known Member

  4. Polednikova

    Polednikova Well-Known Member

    Absolutely brilliant! It deserve much wider circulation... :wink:
  5. girdeaux10

    girdeaux10 Active Member

    I whole heartedly agree with number 15.

  6. Alexx

    Alexx Well-Known Member

    I am not sure it is wise :) now in the time of crisis.

    At least you Americans do not need to adopt pounds of sterling. Yet.
  7. eso

    eso Well-Known Member

    I discovered recently The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and I have to say I fell for it.

    I remember for example /sorry for my mistakes in English/:

  8. Ceit

    Ceit Well-Known Member

    Ah, that's an old joke, wissy! :p
    Besides, I thought 4th of July was a holiday in England, but called "Good Riddance Day"...
  9. Sova

    Sova Well-Known Member

    :lol: OK, maybe we'll accept Queen Elizabeth, but on her death, we'll want our sovereignty back, owing to the Queen's inability to beget someone other that pompous fop/embarrassment of a son for a royal heir. Now if Princess Diana were still alive, that might be different. Unlike the House of Windsor, we Americans actually liked Diana.

    Hmm ... if we don't get conversion tables, why is the price of gasoline, er um petrol, being quoted in US dollars per gallon?
  10. Irena M

    Irena M Well-Known Member

    :lol: Good one!
  11. Polednikova

    Polednikova Well-Known Member

    Now that really could be a divisive thought. Let's not go there - you wouldn't like it... :wink:
  12. scrimshaw

    scrimshaw Well-Known Member

    Alexx has a point, can the queen really take on this current economic slump? Her timing is not that great. She might want to reconsider.

    July 4, day of good riddance?......:evil:
  13. stepan

    stepan Well-Known Member

    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
    That was a side-splitting funny.
    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
  14. Alexx

    Alexx Well-Known Member

    It is what I found somewhere in the Internet, maybe you allready know it, but it is funny:

    The true balance sheet of US Investment banks:

    There are two sides of the balance sheet: the left side and the right side.

    On the left side, there is nothing right...

    And on the right side, there is nothing left.
  15. Irena M

    Irena M Well-Known Member

    Sad, but true. :(
  16. The Animal

    The Animal Well-Known Member

    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Please do not take our 4 th of July holiday away. We do not have enough as it is, um, er, ya, pleeeeease, please, please :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

    So what are you going to do about the steering wheels in the new cars that are being produced? Leave it on the left, or move it to the right? :wink: :roll: :lol: Oh, P.S I have to have a standard transmission. Please work on that. 13 speed or a 18 speed will be just fine. Děkuji
  17. dzurisova

    dzurisova Well-Known Member

    That was really cute, I especially liked # 5: Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    :D :D
  18. wissy

    wissy Well-Known Member

    The Queen visited Google yesterday. This is the start of the takeover. :wink:
  19. tnvol66

    tnvol66 Member

    As and American, I am highly...unoffended by this. Especially the part about our incompetant leaders. I only ask a couple favors:

    1. Just get rid of Hollywood completely, and if not, then at least those ridiculous "reality" shows.

    2. We keep our sports. I've got to have my Amer. Football, and baseball is worth keeping as well. I do wish rugby were bigger here, I like watching it the few times I am able. Actually, you can get rid of basketball instead.

  20. SMZ

    SMZ Well-Known Member

    This is great and especially appropriate for tough times like these. There is, however, a mistake that was in it the first time I saw this go around and it is still there.

    Andie McDowell did not "attempt English conversation" in Four Weddings and a Funeral. (If by that, the writer is criticizing her alleged accent.) She played an American so she spoke with an American accent and regular American speech patterns.

    A very minor error and admittedly a petty thing to point out, but the writer should criticize (or criticise) movies where an American DOES massacre an English accent! :D

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