Czech Jokes

Discussion in 'Culture' started by nautilus, Apr 12, 2006.

  1. nautilus

    nautilus Member

    Ahoj, can someone tell me a few short common Czech jokes? I would like to know how your humor sense is.

    (If isn't to much asking, in Czech and English please.)

    Thanks :( :) :D
     
  2. eso

    eso Well-Known Member

  3. eso

    eso Well-Known Member

    I tried translate one of them:

    Přivedl gestapák občana do Pečkova paláce.
    "Tohohle jsem zatkl!' pravil a hodil občana před zapisujícího.
    "Proč?"
    "Řval: Židé ven a Němci na jejich místa!"
    "Úředník se zarazil a zeptal se: "Poslyš a neudělal jsi chybu? Tohle, co ten občan křičel, je vlastně naprosto správné - to je naše zásada ..."
    "Když on to řval na židovském hřbitově!"


    Gestapo officer bring a man to Pecka palace (Gestapo HQ)
    "I took this one into a custody", said and threw him in front of clerk.
    "Why?"
    "He yelled: Jews out and Germans on their places!"
    "Clerk hesitated and asked: Hey, didn't you make a mistake? This thing, which man yelled is all right - it's our rule..."
    "But he was on Jewish cemetery!!!"
     
  4. wissy

    wissy Well-Known Member

    :D Very wicked.......he he !!
     
  5. eso,
    Great translation. I got it no problem! And I like it too. :lol:
     
  6. brook

    brook Well-Known Member

    I have a joke my (czech) ex-boyfriend told me. I will share, but I hope it doesn't offend anyone! :eek:


    What's the difference between an Englishman, an American and a Czech getting off of a tram?

    - The Englishman gets up, looks around and gets off the tram.
    - The American gets up, looks around to see if he's left anything behind and then gets off the tram.
    - The Czech gets up, looks around to see if anyone else has left anything behind and then gets off the tram.

    :p
     
  7. atyka

    atyka Well-Known Member

    @brook, a cool one :D

    @nautilus: last year I was in Spain, I am now as well :), and I tried to tell jokes to my foreign friends from Spain, but mostly from other countries.. Italy, France, Portugal etc. They looked at me like on a fool.. the jokes I like and my Czech friends liked when I told them, did not seem funny at all to them... well, when I remember one, I message you :)
     
  8. dzurisova

    dzurisova Well-Known Member

    Brook -- my (czech) husband smiles and nods in agreement.
     
  9. dream2b

    dream2b New Member

    Hey .. I love czech jokes. I wanted to add one or two here. I am not so good at translating them. I know the last post here was in 2006, but hope you'll all get the email letting you know about this post. If you can translate these properly it would be great. I have a few czech friends now and these jokes make them laugh well.


    Víte, co je to veletrh?
    To je když si roztrhnete kalhoty, trenky i prdel.


    Prijde takhle jeptiška k doktorovi, že má spálené prirození.
    Doktor se ptá, jak se to stalo. Jeptiška na to ríká:
    "Já jsem tu svícku zapomnela sfouknout."


    Jde chlápek kolem rybníku a vidí, že se tam topí mladá dívka a zoufale volá, aby ji zachránil.
    "A souložit umíš?"
    "Umm, jasne že umím!" vydá ze sebe z posledních sil holka.
    "Plavat jsi se mela naucit!"


    I hope you like them, and if you'd like more, just let me know ;)
     
  10. Karel_lerak

    Karel_lerak Well-Known Member

    Jde policajt po parku a vidí, že zpod keře trčí noha. Zatahá za ni a vyleze chlap. "Co tam děláte?" "Souložím". "Tak to bude stovka pokuty". Zpod keře se ozve "S kým se to tam vybavuješ?" A policajt na to "Jo vy jste tam dva, tak to bude za dvě stovky".
     
  11. davehanush

    davehanush New Member

    I know that this is late, but maybe you'll enjoy these jokes:

    After a long happy marriage Betty dies and goes to Heaven.
    St. Peter meets her at the Pearly Gate, and after talking awhile St. Peter says there is a test to enter heaven. “What’s the test?” Betty asks. St. Peter replies “You have to spell a waord?” “Okay. So what’s the word?” St. Peter says “Love.” “Oh, that’s easy . . . L O V E.” St. Peter says, "Okay, come on into heaven."

    Well, after quite a number of years St. Peter comes to Betty and says that he has to run some errands, so would she mind watching the Pearly Gate. “Sure, not a problem.” “Do you remember the test?” “Sure do.” "Okay, see you when I get back."

    Sure enough, who should show up at the Pearly Gates when Betty is there but her husband, Dick. “Hi Dick. I’m glad you made it. How have you been since I died?” Dick replies “Well, shortly after you died, our neighbor Susan’s husband died. We got married, pooled our life insurance, bought a boat and spent the last ten years just sailing around the world. It has been just fabulous.” After a little more chit-chat, Dick says, “Okay, how do I get in?” Betty replies “There’s a test. You just have to spell a word.” “Okay, what’s the word.” . . .
    “Czechoslovakia.”

    * * * * * * * * * * * *
    If you go to the Castle in Prague you will learn that in 1618 during the thirty years war between the Czechs and the Catholics, they threw three of the Czech delegates out of the third floor Castle window. But at the bottom they landed on a pile of hay and manure, jumped up and took off running. They were the first . . .
    “Bounced Czechs.”
    * * * * * * * * * * * *

    I was walking down the street of Prague late one night and saw this drunk lying in the doorway. I went over and propped him up. Immediately a cop came and arrested me. I asked why was I being arrested. He replied: “For righting a bad Czech.”
     
  12. wissy

    wissy Well-Known Member

    Dave......please no more! :D :D :D
     
  13. fabik317

    fabik317 Well-Known Member

    St. Peter and God planning holiday:
    St. Peter: How about Jupiter?
    God: Nah, the gravity there is hell, no good for my knees, rheumatism and that, you know. I'd prefer that spa on Venus.
    St. Peter: Are you mad?! I understand your knees like to be kept warm, but come on - 500 degrees Celsius, raining sulphuric acid and lava all over the place - that seems a little bit too hot, how about Earth?
    God: No bloody way! There's humans there, remember?
    St. Peter: Yeah, so what?
    God: The gossip - remember the other time when I hooked up with this Jewish chick? Well, that was some 2000 years ago and last I heard they're still talking about it.
     
  14. scrimshaw

    scrimshaw Well-Known Member

    Jde policajt po parku a vidí, že zpod keře trčí noha. Zatahá za ni a vyleze chlap. "Co tam děláte?" "Souložím". "Tak to bude stovka pokuty". Zpod keře se ozve "S kým se to tam vybavuješ?" A policajt na to "Jo vy jste tam dva, tak to bude za dvě stovky".

    Tohle vtíp(nahoře)poslal Karel před dvěma lety.
    Jen jsem je dočetl. To mě rozesmálo. :lol:

    Negramotné lidé si úplně umí cenit alfabetovou polevku?
    Do illiterate people fully appreciate alfabet soup?

    Někdo mi může říct, proč si letci kamikadze oblekli kukly? Nemá smysl.
    Can someone tell me why kamikaze pilots wore helmets?

    Matka se rozhodla, že potřebovala začít cvičit, když ji byl šesdesat a začala chodit pět kilometrů každý den. Ted' jí je devatesat a nemáme žadnou myšlenku kde je.
    Mom decided that she needed to start exercising when she was sixty and started walking 5 kilometers a day. She is now ninety and we have no idea where she is.
     
  15. stepan

    stepan Well-Known Member

    scrimshaw, please translate for us non-Czech readers.
     
  16. scrimshaw

    scrimshaw Well-Known Member

    Ok...here's my best shot....but I can't take credit for it. I just copied it from a more than 2 year old post to this revived thread.

    A policeman is going through a park and he sees a foot sticking out of from under a bush. He pulls on it and a fellow crawls out.
    'What are you doing there?'
    'I'm having sex.'
    'Ok, that will be a 100 (amount) fine.'
    'From under the bush is heard....'Who are you talking to up there?'
    And the policeman, upon hearing that, 'Aha, there are two of you. So it will be 200.'

    The other ones are just one line jokes like stand up comedians tell.
     
  17. Alena

    Alena Well-Known Member

    Medvěd si otevřel obchod. Přijde k němu zajíček a ptá se: “Medvěde, máš shnilou mrkvičku?”
    Medvěd na to: “No dovol, zajíci, v mém obchodě je jen kvalitní čerstvé zboží. Nic starého ani shnilého tu nemám.”

    Zajíček odešel a druhý den je tam znovu: “Je shnilá mrkvička?”
    Rozladěný medvěd ho vyhodil a myslí si: “Ten zajíc mi nedá pokoj, dokud mu tu mrkvičku neseženu.”

    Dalšího dne přjde zajíček a ptá se: “Máš shnilou mrkvičku?”
    Medvěd říká: “Podívej, zajíci, tohle je solidní obchod a shnilou mrkvičku tu nevedu, ale speciálně pro tebe jsem ji sehnal. Takže shnilou mrkvičku mám.”
    Zajíček vytáhne legitimaci a povídá: “Obchodní inspekce!”
    http://vtipy.receptar.info/
     
  18. scrimshaw

    scrimshaw Well-Known Member

    Děkuji za link k vtípům.

    Blondýnka volá recepčním....Helé, nemohu opuštět pokoj. Vidím tři dveře. Jeden vede ke koupelnu, jeden je pro šatnu a třetí má značku, která říká 'Nevyrušuj'.
     
  19. kibicz

    kibicz Well-Known Member

  20. scrimshaw

    scrimshaw Well-Known Member

    Je lepší být vedoucí pes, jinak se pohled nikdy nemění.
     

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